Take it down a notch.

Fancy restaurants freak me out.

I don't know if it's a residual social anxiety from my punky high school days or what. But the pressure of wearing a nice outfit (to spill on), acting nice and dainty (which ends when I choke on water), and knowing how to pronounce the names of the dish and the wine to go with it...it all just freaks me the crap out. In my panic to feign confidence, I'll order something crappy, maybe even something still moving, and then I'll hate it and be out $27. Not cool.

McDonald's fries are always a dollar and they're always delicious.

I'm not a cheap date because I'm nice to you. Don't kid yourself, I'm not nice to almost anyone. No, it's because your attraction to me will fade as I whisper a thousand retarded things and rip apart my drink napkin in an effort to ward off anxiety. It's because I promise not to embarrass you royally if we just just go to a pub or BBQ.

Now, let me introduce any of you who can feel my pain to Chicago's 2nd annual restaurant week. Sweet sassy molassy this is my only hope.

You get three course meals at nice restaurants throughout the city for $22 (lunch) or $32 (dinner). And most importantly, there are a bunch of people like me coming out of the woodwork to take the overall fancy restaurant clientèle down a notch and ease the general fancy pants atmosphere. I think I can actually do this. And I'm kind of excited to not hate my life if my food isn't the best thing I've ever had.

So here's hoping.


Image: Viand Bar & Kitchen